Friday, October 01, 2004

Who reads Pg3?

A list of the people who will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes (with our sincierest apologies to the Complaints Department of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation) in this guest article by Abhishek "PMQ" Nagraj.

Who reads Pg3?

(An essential guide to all those we hate)

It was time I thought to specifically categorize The Other People. The Other Race of people who are either intellectually challenged, or professionally compelled or weirdly irrational to do what we love not to. Every morning when the paperwallah drops in the paper they open the main pages and look deep inside for that small, colourful, little bundle of s$&# that we call a waste of bamboo. Then they open the first page not even glancing at Jim Davis' masterful creations or the day's movies but smirk gleefully as soon as they see those backless
cholis or the lensman's latest crush. This is an official catalogue of all those who encourage this heinous piece of newsprint to be published everyday. It is in short our HitList.

1. The Casual Housewife:
Pg3 Addiction Rating: **
Age: 30 -50

She is someone who has nothing else to do. She doesn't mind glancing over those glossy snaps and may be takes a tip or two for her next evening dress. She may even have a look at the decor and add that to
her home. She also gets something to criticize at her next kitty party when she can say how the younger generation is going to the dumps. We don't really blame her - but in fact encourage her in her attempt to
spread the message of hating pg3 and wish she were be more vocal.

2. The pg3 aspirer:
Pg3 Addiction Rating: ****
Age: 16-30

She is probably one of those PYTs at Fergusson. An epitome of mindless, stupid, superficial good looks sometimes not even that. All they want is to be noticed so that next time Sameer pays her more
attention. She loves attention and she wants more of it. She glances at whatever the pg3 regulars wear and tries to copy them and tries to appear at the right places and tries extremely hard to get herself a
picture on that page she worships. Whether she is successful or not depends upon Bunty-Prashant who are I think PT's favourite lensmen. These are the people guys we must really beware of. They are extremely
dangerous and hold boundless capacity to bore with one's extremely vast stores of knowledge. They are the kind of people who when asked what they would carry if they were stuck on a lonely island would
start off by saying ummm.. maybe Moisturizer ..... (to quote from some Miss World Q&A I had seen). They are at the top of our Most Wanted list. They are our anti-particles, from whom we must beware of

3. The pg3 regular
Pg3 Addiction Rating: *****
Age: no bar as long as the mind is 5 years old.

These are the coup de grace of our search for pg3 addicts. Why not? Everyone wants to watch one's photo in the paper. So what if they are with a different guy each day. Not everyone has these amazing
qualities - a lot of 5 year olds have the brain of an adult, but how many adults have a brain the size of a pea ? Why should they not use this great god given ability to the hilt? These people are hell bent
on wearing that mascara and those halter tops and heading to the most happening hotspot in town where they'll meet their beloved Private Eye. These are the mommies whose daughter is getting married, the
local MP who loves to be a good sport, the struggling actor who can't make it to Bombay Times. These are our main enemies, folks - mark them.

4. The PT Pg3 employee

Pg3 Addiction Rating: *
Age: Does it matter?

Poor fellows! What can they do? They have to read it and not once, but make a draft, proof read it, edit it correct it, blah, blah, blah... They get so used to doing it that they go about their jobs absolutely
mechanically. Like those Hollywood action mutant hero movies that keep churning out, he goes about his job with the stoic detachment of a Yogi. He reads it guys, but it never sinks in. That ain't so bad.
After all it's a question of his daily bread. As long as he gets disgusted within 6 months and asks for a transfer or quits it's fine with us!

5. The eye-goggling teenager
Pg3 Addiction Rating: ****
Age: 12-20

He's everyone right from those chanawala's kids to the X th std. educated student. All he wants is a pretty face to go along with his breakfast. He loves those girls and just can't wait to get his dose
every morning. He doesn't mind a gossip or two as long as it doesn't concern his life in anyway. He's really harmless but does inadvertently support the Pg3 cause, he remains on the HitList esp.
considering his high addiction rating.

Some other categories like Grandparents Who Read to Criticize, 'Aamhi Ingrazi Shikato' readers, Chana consumers, Spying Parents Association Members and finally members of this Blog who read to understand this mysterious species have been omitted due to relative innocence.

Any additions to this list are grossly unwelcome because the writer believes a deeper research involves a crossing over to The Other Side, and comments from The Other Side are regarded as inappropriate for this esteemed electronic publication.